What I didn’t realize was that when I set out to have a life-changing experience that would be perfect for me, I was ACTUALLY bombarding them faster than I could blink an eye. The most wonderful crap kept popping up and lining up perfectly – like a game of Tetris that you FINALLY manage to finish.
My journey to recovery didn’t start off the best (as most healing journeys do, I guess). In fact, it all started when I had to row against the tide that I was taught and led to believe was the only current for me, based on little more than a faint feeling. It’s all on me because I’ve never sat down with myself and questioned it. I was letting life make me instead of building the version of life that was best for me.
This led to a wonderful rock bottom, a year of pulling myself out of this hole with the support of a few close people who I consider extremely lucky to have in my life and my sheer will to get out of bed every morning – at least one good thing that came out of it. that you’re a “go with the flow” person – you learn to compartmentalize and manage your shit in order to continue to function at a basic level. Survive, not thrive.
Relief did not come quickly. I thought about self-sabotage because I had never learned or practiced being kind to myself and felt that I needed to punish myself for choosing me, in the process of letting some people down. It didn’t seem like the time to start picking up my pieces and starting the integration process. I wanted to throw them all in the air to see what landed where. It wasn’t pretty.
But somewhere along the way, something opened up. And it allowed my intuition to gain a stronger voice – loud enough that I could, for the first time in a very long time, hear it speak properly. Miraculously, things that were not meant for me began to fall out of my life, although I still did not have the courage to eliminate them myself. Life kicked me in the ass and finally opened my eyes to the art of “editing” my life. It turns out that you just CAN not entertain things that you don’t think are serving you in your life. Just drop it like a fly.
My people-pleasing ass practiced this, with an intense sense of dread and fear that I would be damned forever if I made another person dislike me (all in my mind, like in a movie). Nothing happened. I didn’t die. Mother Earth continued to move, the sun rose and then the moon. In addition, I also gained something new from this practice, something I haven’t experienced in a very long time – mental space.
The more I edited and released, the more space I created. Think of it as my cup – full – but crap that served no purpose. So now my cup is finally empty – an empty space.
By this point, I started to take more care of myself – consciously – constantly asking myself every day – is this right for me? Will the highest version of me make this decision? Do I need this in my life? Or is this habit, place, person, project improving my being in some goddamn way? no? Put it in the fucking bucket. Yes? Invite him further into my life. I started looking for treatments. Building a routine that was based on my needs with an almost wild love for my personal development. For the first time, once again, in a very long time, I started investing in myself again.
It brought more magic into my life – My healing journey really hit the pedal at this juncture – I discovered my calling, something that really taught me what it feels like to be passionate about something – an almost familiar feeling – the magic you used to play, when you were a child but slowly forgot along the way. I discovered breathwork that not only healed some early trauma that had been deep and forgotten for over three decades, but also showed me how simple, deep and abundant growth can be and how rewarding it can be to spread that healing vibration . I of course immediately immersed myself in the practice of conscious breathing, signed up to train as a facilitator, immersed myself in any knowledge I could find about breathwork, the mind-body connection, trauma, emotions and energy, worked with teachers and connected with my breath daily since then. In many ways it feels like just the beginning because I know I still have a long way to go, but at the same time I feel like I’ve come SUCH a long way already.
After that, it was like a rolling stone – only it was rolling uphill, to higher, better vibrations, also jumping hills and picking up pure goddamn magic along the way.
I also continued to get more and more accustomed to the practice of editing my life. I was changing, evolving, growing, and I was not and have no intention of stopping until the day my breath leaves me.
That’s the thing about improvement – it’s incremental, it gets better and better, every step is just the beginning. It’s what you allow to add up. This is the secret I feel.
You learn to look at crap piles as lessons and just let them fall after integrating with the lesson.
When you consciously take steps every day to get closer to what you feel in your body and deny what’s wrong, it feels like you’re on your way and the path just magically appears in front of you.
More magical things, experiences, places, people began to accumulate in my human experience, my connection with my intuition became stronger, there was space in my life and mind – to just breathe – without fuss.
I dropped so much that it might as well be my middle name now.
I kept coming back to my breath and consulting my body instead of my mind and gained wisdom I didn’t even know I had within me. I learned magic. I realized that I live in abundance every day.
And to conclude this obscure part (since I did not want to reveal personal details, but still keep them as close to my heart as possible), I wanted to share a recent experience that came my way.
Last October, just a month after my mind, body and soul were ripped from the concept of this three-dimensional existence by a mere breath, in a moment of fearless and inspired action, I booked myself a trip to The Shaka Surf Club to learn to surf – at a gift to myself for my birthday this March.
I’ve always been fascinated by surfing, I wondered if I could get it, and I thought the sea and the sand would be my place, even if surfing wasn’t for me.
5 months after booking I showed up, lived in a tent for 6 days between the bays on one side, the sea on the other and a handful of people I really liked in the middle.
It was – no guessing prizes here – magic.
Not only that, but I was literally given permission to open my eyes and acknowledge the fact that my cup was, for what seems like the first time in my life, full for a while (I just resisted admitting it to myself), and this time full and overflowing with things, consciously prepared by me for myself, and all this serves me. This meant I could now start pouring from it – something I’ve always enjoyed doing – it’s just that when you’re pouring from an empty cup or a cup full of rubbish, you tend to feel drained and start to feel like shit.
And like magic, the very next day after I downloaded it, a few people I enjoyed sharing the space with (no doubt interspersed with alone time because this shit is fueling me at the moment) asked me would I like to do a breathing technique workshop for them. For a moment – nerves – but when you know deep down that you have to do something, the nerves melt away as quickly as they appear. I heard this somewhere and it stuck in my mind – fear is excitement without breathing. All you have to remember is to breathe. And that’s what I did. I was breathing, I was reminding myself that it wasn’t about me, it was about the breath that was being presented to people at a time when it was supposed to be open to them, for them.
We breathed under the stars and palm trees swaying in the wind, a reminder that spirit is everywhere, lying on the grass – our energies coming together in the midst of nature, sea, salt and sand, creating a container that will forever be special to me. We connected with our breath and human experience and came out the other side feeling a little lighter and in the light.
That’s all. It’s me. Pouring. Because now I know how to keep my cup full.
Thrives, not survives.
Well, I managed to hang on and surf a few waves, but I broke my knee and stepped on a sea urchin 2 times before I learned how to surf without an instructor. But I still had the sea, sand and people 🙂
This is just the beginning ❤️
I felt inspired and wrote this post at Mangalore Airport while waiting to board my flight to Delhi 🙂
Sharing some photos from my time at Shaka below.
I used to pour drinks. Now I pour the magic 😉
What a life. What a life. What a life.